Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I don't write erotic fiction because...

Once people find out I write stories, one of the first questions many ask is, “Do you write those erotic sex novels?” (their words, not mine.)
I respond with a polite, “No, I write science fiction and fantasy…stuff like that."
Then people who think they know all about the business of writing  tell me that you there is a larger market for erotic novels.
Maybe there is, I can’t argue, because I don't have the statistics on that. But, that doesn’t make me want to change my interests and start writing in a genre that I don’t feel comfortable writing.
So, I think anyone who knows me well can vouch for me on this one. I get embarrassed easily, and if I were to write erotic scenes, I would walk around in a constant state of embarrassment with rosy red cheeks just thinking about someone reading it. I’m not the erotic kind of gal.
Why is that? Well, I think it takes a serious, mature person to write erotic scenes and feel comfortable doing so. I may be 40, but I am still a bit immature. A kid at heart, I’d say. (to make it sound better) Now, if it was a goofing around,  humorous sort of writing, that no one would take seriously, then I could probably whip up something, and I have.
I did write a story for a little contest on Writing.com back in December of 2006. It had to be all dialogue and not over 500 words, because the contest was The Dialogue 500, of course.  I wrote a story, “The Santa Seduction,” about a woman who, unsuccessfully, attempts to seduce the old jolly one himself.  
It did win, by the way.  I have pasted it below for those who would like to read it. I warn you, it is full of sexual innuendos, but at the same time, it is meant to be all in fun.
I hope you enjoy, as this is as close to erotic as my writing will ever be. Think of me blushing as you read it. J

The Santa Seduction

"Ouch! Why do people insist on having a fire on Christmas Eve? Everyone knows I have to come down-"

"Santa, I've been waiting up for you."

"Now, Santa can't leave any presents until all good girls are in bed."

"But Santa, I've been a bad girl, and I got something for you."

"Ho! Ho! Whoa!  Um…"

"A very special Christmas gift for you...big...round… and jolly."

"Maybe you should put that back on. Your nipples, er... I mean, It's quite chilly in here."

"Oh no Santa, I'm hot. Maybe you'd like to take off your coat?"

"No need to unbutton my coat. I'm fine."

"Your beard is so soft, like cotton. I bet it tickles."

"I really need to go. It's a really busy night, you know...all the kids-"

"Why Santa, is that a peppermint stick in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"It's candy. Would you like some? Ho ho, that tickles, I can get it out of my pocket, no need to help."

"Mmmm! So sweet."

"You really like sucking on those, huh? I don't think you should stick it so far…into your... mouth...like...that."

"Don't worry, I like to get a big juicy mouthful. Got anything else sweet in those pants?"

"I have a few chocolate balls. No maybe I already gave....Um… those aren't chocolate, my dear."

"All I'm asking for is one night of bouncing against that belly and finding out if it really is like a bowl full of jelly."

"You are a naughty one, aren't you?"

"Come on over her and slide down my chimney, Santa."

"Whew!  It is getting a tad warm in here, but…I…I can't. I'm a married man."

"What's a girl gotta do to turn you on? There's no way Mrs. Claus looks like this."

"I'll admit her bazooms aren't firm, round and perky, and she isn't as nicely groomed in the South Pole region, but she is a wildcat."

"Old Mrs.Claus?"

"Yeah, She's a nymphomaniac. I'm at her mercy 364 days a year.  Christmas is the only night my package gets a rest.  So, put your pretty little robe back on, and let me see what I can find in my bag for you.  Oh yes, a little toy to get you through the night."

"Thanks, Santa."

"Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas to all, and to all the good night!"

"Wait Santa! I don't have any batteries!"


Happy Reading!



3 comments:

Tara Fox Hall said...

OMG! That was uproariously funny. Maybe you should consider erotic romance, because you have the dialogue down perfectly! :)

M. Allman said...

Thanks, Tara. I may give it try sometime in the future, we'll see! :)

Herbert Grosshans said...

Writing erotica isn't that difficult once you overcome those first hurdles. But then again, I am a mature person over 40 :-) I'm wondering though, when are you too old to write erotic scenes?